 
We have seen over and over again that siblings, regardless of how close they are in their adult lives, may end up less so while helping their parents move. One reason this happens is that when circumstances force adult children together, unresolved childhood conflicts and power struggles can surface. In addition, if relationships have been competitive, siblings may worry that they are going to be left out somehow. Don't be surprised if you find yourself thinking "Mom liked you better," or "You always have to have your own way." It may sound crazy, but we all fall prey to the same vulnerabilities.
If you find yourself obsessing about things you haven't thought about in years, chances are something from the past is being re-stimulated. During these times, it is best to talk about your discomfort with a friend, therapist, or anyone outside the family you can trust. Although this may present a golden opportunity to heal an unresolved conflict with your baby brother, don't bring it into your parent's house while they are moving. Here are some suggestions to help keep the relationships between you and your siblings as harmonious as possible:
- If you tend to be a perfectionist and do everything yourself, now is not the time for that.
Not only will you burn out at some point, you'll also deprive your siblings of the chance to deal with the changes taking place in your family. Ideally, the only perfection to shoot for is that which produces family unity.
- Plan a family meeting to decide who can do what and when. If some of you live out of town, you can still help. Perhaps the person living closest to your parents can help with the actual packing, but the person living out of town can do research, make phone calls and take care of other details. Here are some guidelines to help with the family meeting:
- The best meetings occur when everyone feels safe to present their own point of view and to have their opinions taken seriously. This doesn't mean that agreement will always be possible. It does mean that each person's dignity is left intact regardless of what is decided. (If this seems like an immense challenge with your particular family, pretend it's a business meeting where your job or livelihood depends on creating a positive outcome!)
- Plan your meeting when everyone will be rested. Pick a neutral meeting place. A favorite restaurant from your childhood might be appropriate
- Regardless of where you meet, make sure that there are nutritious foods and non-alcoholic beverages available.
- If someone can't attend, involve them whenever possible. A speakerphone is ideal. Time the meeting for when everyone is available.
- Ask people to bring their calendars in order to avoid scheduling problems when you divide up responsibilities.
- Assign one person to take notes.
- Have one person begin the meeting and state its purpose. Ask if anyone has anything else to add. Try to be on the "same page" with the desired outcome before you deal with the details.
- Discuss any known deadlines. This may require obtaining information ahead of time from various service providers, such as moving companies, Realtors, property managers, etc.
- Have one person transcribe the notes, including who does what, with dates and times for completion. Make sure everyone receives a copy.
- If tensions are high, invite a relative or friend of the family to assist you. You could also contact the authors who can host and facilitate your meeting.
- Although easier said than done, try not to get sucked into old (negative) ways of relating to each other. If you feel vulnerable with your siblings, remind yourself that you're an accomplished adult and the old patterns don't need to control you anymore. If necessary, do some journaling ahead of time to drive the above point home. Protect yourself, but assume the best of others. In other words, take the high road whenever possible. Even if others don't, hold steady. By doing so, others may eventually follow your lead.
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